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The author will think it’s the best thing he has ever written, that he’s finally nailed something purely human in a story masquerading as one about aliens picking over the remains of Planet Earth.

But just like all the tweets where you think at last you’ve poured the essence of a thought so absolutely and finitely into 140 characters that it can’t fail to explode in a fire of RTs and favs, the story will blow like tumbleweed through both anthologies it appears in.

I have found weird fruit and tiny apples in my bed that weren’t in my house when I went to sleep.

The author will scroll past hundreds of compliments and find one guy on Twitter who says it’s shit.(The author will not bother to check Wikipedia to see if this is scientifically possible, because the point of the story is we are the worst.) There will be a minor footnote – added in a subsequent anthology publication as an afterthought by the author, who was annoyed for months that they forgot to include it originally – wherein Google (you remember Google ) makes the names of the “circles” you have put your friends and acquaintances and loved family members in completely visible to everyone in those circles.Aunts will for once use their phone as an actual phone and want to know why they are listed under “AVOID”.It was in my effort to figure out how to stop me doing shit like this I found out that people commit murders in their sleep.I went down a Google hole and came out the other end wanting to Minority Report arrest myself. Allen Foster, the medical director of a sleep laboratory in Wisconsin what’s wrong with me, why I sometimes grab people’s shoulders in my sleep, hiss things into their face so close we’re basically kissing, before rolling over and deny it ever happened.

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